SA
Hi Myisha. How are you feeling today? If you could describe the way your spirit feels using your five senses, what would they be?
M
This is a great question! Today I am feeling grounded. For me that means that I see clearly, my breath feels sweet, my taste buds are activated, my hearing is sharp and I am present in each moment that my body feels.
SA
Can you tell me a little bit about how you came to launch Sex for Life?
M
About five years ago I received my certification as a sex and dating coach. I knew that I wanted to bring my feminist perspective to my coaching. This wasn’t being done at the time and I felt that I could help people explore the issues they were experiencing in sex and dating more deeply by applying a gendered framework. So much of what we experience in our sex lives that we take for granted is based on harmful gender expectations that don’t really serve us. I believe that by highlighting these cultural constructs to my clients, I can help them make different choices that feel more empowering. I truly believe that better sex leads to a better life, which is why I named my company Sex for Life, but I also believe that sex is something that evolves and changes with us throughout our lives. We are all sexual beings, no matter how we choose to express it.
SA
adrienne maree brown speaks to the necessity of incorporating pleasure in activism which stems from the idea of centering the erotic as a form of power by Audre Lorde. How do we begin to learn and name our erotic needs intentionally for ourselves and also in order to sustain our work with in community?
M
Another great question. I love adrienne maree brown’s work as well as Audre Lorde’s. They both speak to the inherent qualities of being human: it is human nature to seek pleasure and we all have access to pleasure in its many forms no matter who we are. Systems of oppression work because they rob people of the belief that they are worthy of pleasure and their own humanity. It is therefore a radical act of oppressed communities to find ways to replenish themselves, to revel in the lives they were given and to not deny that pleasure-seeking nature.
I work on this everyday for myself but also with my clients who are typically female-identified. Female oppression looks like the belief that our own pleasure is secondary to our partner’s and can only be doled out if/when an obligation has been fulfilled. A lot of my female clients feel more like sex is being done to them rather than them being a full participant. They come to me because this out-dated model no longer works for them, but they need help finding ways to access their own true pleasure.
SA
One of the systems of domination we are confronting is the imposition of sexual binaries. For those of us healing from sexual abuse and navigating a fluid sexual identity, do you have any advice on how to not be frustrated about deep internalizations?
M
Working with internalized binaries is a lifelong journey. It takes mindfulness, and usually the help of a good mental health practitioner to guide us towards a more holistic view of ourselves, one that includes the many facets of who we are. I mentioned before that as human beings we grow and change, as does our sexuality. To me, that’s a truly remarkable part of being human! I find that giving ourselves a bit of grace is often helpful. We are products of a binary culture and that takes work to undo.
SA
Can healing and casual dating/sex exist at the same time? Is it irresponsible to be dating while healing from trauma or can the two occur simultaneously?
M
I actually interviewed adrienne maree brown about this on my podcast, Down for Whatever! We discussed how, whether it’s responsible or not, a lot of healing can and does occur in casual relationships. We don’t always know what we need, and that’s okay. People make mistakes in dating. That’s okay too. As long as we are all committed to repair when repair is needed, and getting mental health support along the way, it can all be a part of the healing process. Problems occur when someone’s pain or trauma causes them to harm others and there is no concern for how damaging their behaviors are. I wish there was a filter for this on dating apps, but alas… there is not.
SA
COVID quarantine measures have meant rates of domestic and intimate partner violence have gone up. Children are being forced to share space with their abusers and while we won’t know the drastic consequences of this period of time now, we must be mindful about the development of this generation of children. How can we better protect the sexual development of the next generation, and what can folks who are triggered by this reality do to ground themselves?
M
Thank you for sharing that and for opening a dialogue for such a challenging topic. One of the biggest pieces of advice for making the world a safer place for children and other survivors of sexual abuse is that we all start talking about sex. I’m an advocate for talking about sex every day, which may shock some people, but the reality is that we live in a culture of silence around sex. Silence perpetuates violence. If we are not even talking about what makes sex good, then how do we empower people to disclose and feel supported when sex is coerced, manipulative or violent? Creating more of a discourse about sex in our culture, one that is nuanced and acknowledges that everyone has the right to feel safe and protected when it comes to sex, is once of the biggest ways to reduce incidence of sexual assualt. No one says this better than Cindy Gallop, founder of Make Love Not Porn in my conversation with her, but I did my best.
Myisha Battle is a certified sex & dating coach, syndicated author, popular podcaster & feminist. Her message is simple and sex-positive.