R
Hi!
I’m in heaven, I have rainforest sounds, my wheatpack at my feet.. Watermelon and tea
SA
Ahhh! Good, I’m glad you’re cozy. How are you feeling?
R
Actually feeling pretty good, I’m excited to talk!!
SA
I’m excited to talk to you as well. You reached out to me yesterday to ask me how I was feeling about Mother’s Day and that meant so much to me. How does your heart feel?
R
I’m happy? In a weird way, that I could be there to check in on a day as confusing and conflicting as mums day you know. I’m feeling better after mums day – the whole thing was kinda tense, I went away with my family to Jervis Bay but being away from home with family dynamics was a lot and made me pretty anxious.
SA
I actually texted my mum yesterday cos I felt, guilty? Which I’m working through. But how do you navigate that tension? Do you find you have to be really firm with your boundaries when you’re around family + are they receptive to them?
R
Hmm, I can totally resonate with the guilt. I would feel really guilty if I were in your position; not because you should be – but because those obligations to family are… historic? Like of course you would still feel the need or requirement to be there; and of course, you love her. I think it’s testament to your love and not your response to guilt that you connected with your mum despite your conditions you all negotiated to create a better relationship. You know, that’s holistic; to be flexible and not regimented. With my family — everyone wants a piece of me lmao. I’m very adored, but it’s because I’ve been placed in this role of being the ‘fun,’ ‘affectionate,’ sibling, aunty, daughter, sister-in-law. So I’ve practised protecting my energy and my time.. By being more attuned to when I’m needed for ‘fun’ and ‘affection’. And that’s the difficulty in family dynamics right? We often find ourselves pinned down by characteristics that we outgrow or that aren’t our whole selves. Boundaries are constantly re-negotiated and my sister relies on me a lot to be there for her and my nephew, Joey, so it’s something I’ve focused on since becoming an aunty — and the change in boundaries when you become a caretaker, mother figure.
SA
It takes a lot to know when you’re playing a role and performing instead of showing up fully as yourself around family.
That’s so interesting that you mention how your boundaries, and maybe even, conception of Self in relation to family, changed when you became a caretaker for your nephew. I felt the same shifts when I became an aunty eight years ago. It’s when I first truly became depressed because I was seeing so many patterns being passed down. Has being a caretaker for Joey changed what you once perceived to be ‘motherhood’?
R
That’s really comforting to hear in an odd way—in terms of you noticing a shift and even going through depression, because that’s what I’ve been experiencing since Joey’s birth. It’s hard to witness and be a part of the sacrifice women or anyone who is placed in a caretaker role absorb. I’ve had evenings where I’m exhausted and just cry, because being maternal… is this tremendous emotional energy; someone else is your entire focal point. And I am already intuitively involved in children? If that makes sense… I really appreciate their spirit and I put a lot of my energy into resonating with them + then the role of being a mother figure just.. It’s another level. Sadly, it’s made me realise my own mother is not maternal at all and that’s been a shock, it’s mainly been revealing at how my own mum mothered me.
SA
I feel like you and I have so many similar reckonings in the relationships that we have with our families. Because, yes, being able to relate to my youngest nephew who is neurodivergent is what really forced me into tending to my own motherwound. It’s such a tricky space to be in, when you’re reparenting yourself and also, in many ways, parenting your nephews + nieces. How do you handle the shock that comes with that realisation towards your mother?
R
I’ve said it before and I’m sure it won’t be the last time I say it. Our similarities are spooky. I honestly just take time to witness this wound. There’s also so much anger, grief and I’m sure layered resentment. It’s used a lot but I need to constantly check in that I’m being compassionate with myself – extending that compassion to my mum and her negligent parenting is a lot harder. The most efficient, yeah odd word to use here – but the most reliable tactic in not spiralling when I am exhausted from being an aunty to Joey and also healing my own motherwound is noting when I feel that wound, the exact time, what is happening, how do I feel in my body; have I felt it before, is it moving? To just draw attention to my body helps me resolve the heaviness and friction of shock. Does that make sense, I feel like I’m speaking garbled goop but I know you get me hehe.
SA
You’re making SO much sense to me. The somatics of healing the motherwound is sooooo intriguing to me. And here, I’m also thinking a bit about how you and I both live with chronic pain that affects our reproductive systems. Healing and navigating my vaginismus really became something that felt very ancestral to me, healing through the generations of trauma women in my maternal lineage felt. Do you ever think about that in relation to your endometriosis?
R
Okay, firstly, it’s wild how this is all resonating with me. What just popped up into my head was that video I sent to you that my friend Jess made for me where you cup your tailbone and meditate; and that is such a protective.. Nestled space where we once had a tail, if we were in pain it would be between our legs. Just thinking about ancestry and the somatics of healing the motherwound. When I think about cupping my tailbone my pelvic floor melts like butter on a pancake .. (haha). Yes, I think about the women before me every day. I thought about a particular woman on my maternal side who would always complain of pain and that she would ‘relentlessly’ be plagued and express the pain she had during periods. It’s something that I feel very deeply in my heart, that this endometriosis tissue has manifested in me; but didn’t begin with me. Usually when I think of these women before us, I think about the men that didn’t prioritise or acknowledge/believe female pain. I think of history a lot when it comes to my endometriosis. It all feels really historic, because if women were accounted for in medicine, our reproductive and sexual health would have adequate treatment and diagnosis.
SA
I once read something on intergenerational trauma that said, ‘If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’ Totally, the reason the patriarchy has persisted, and why even misogyny exists in every single corner of the universe, is because people haven’t healed from their motherwound. From the deep abandonment they once felt as children, and then project that into institutions as adults… It’s daunting to think about but clarifies so much for me.
Have you noticed changes in the way you are in your body since you began reparenting?
R
Hmm I feel that culture of motherwound in institutions very deeply here in Australia :/ My pelvic floor I feel holds a lot of resentment and shame. I’m really working on shame, it’s one I forget about easily because I’m so used to being ‘ashamed’ of myself. Not of anything in particular but just an inherent need to feel shame. And I feel that in the delicate parts of me like my wrists and although my pelvic floor isnt delicate I feel a lot of stored resentment there. I think the pelvis is so powerful – but I think I have layers of anger, shame and resentment there. I do a lot of hip openers and stretches, it sounds SO basic, but those small measures of physical therapy release a lot of tension for me. Both emotional and physical tension.
SA
I have to remind myself constantly that the pelvis is part of the psoas muscle which is our emotional center. And then, that emotional tension you’re releasing, I think about the sacral chakra, which is located above the pelvis and is all about sexual healing and creatively expressing. It just makes so much sense that our womb area has such kinetic energy that is potent and passed down. And it really warms my heart to know that despite all the pain, you’re able to access that healing through your body. Just thinking about how when we’re in the womb, we’re attached through the umbilical cord that’s located around this chakra and the psoas, it’s really moving to finally have the understanding, the language, and also the connection with women like you who understand how important this work is. Thank you.
Ok, I don’t want to take up too much of your time, maybe to end can you tell me a couple of things that you have been turning to lately to keep you grounded and help you come back to your body?
R
God, yes!!! I am. In love with the pelvis hahaha. I feel so rooted in it; it feels like this (sometimes, painful) but magical cave I have within me. I wish there was less mystique to it – although I love mysticism. The unknowns of the pelvis again comes down to medical preferential treatment of cis-men. Grounding for me right now revolves around paying less attention to other people, I had that brief hiatus from IG and it allowed me to only pay attention to myself or to friends through text. Simplifying my routine is a necessity for me right now – and that involves being honest with myself to what I can commit to; and not feeling shame about committing to my health. Or, rather, feeling the shame I feel and acknowledging it as a pattern of neglecting the needs of my body. Another realisation through re-parenting has been taking a departure from friendships that were formed from old narratives of myself. I’m bewildered and fascinated by how your body feels once you say good-bye to people.
is an abstract painter based in Sydney. Rendered in soft pastels and metallic paints, acrylic ink and marker pen, her gestural, expressive abstract paintings are a record of the artist’s research into shape and colour; an instinctive, spontaneous exploration of an innate visual language.
Her work is concerned primarily with a consideration for colour – or at least the impression of colour – and its synchronicity.
Romy’s work is then involved in articulating the loosely narrated stories that are purely visual. These stories are impressions of her close interpersonal relationships and their moments of intimacy, love and sharing.