SA
How are you feeling today, Z?
Z
Hi! OH! I’m feeling an overload of emotional progression.
How are you feeling today, P?
SA
Woah, I wanna hear more about this emotional progression. I’m feeling good, ready to take on the day and glad I get to start it by talking to you. What’s on your schedule for today?
Z
I think this is a great way to start the day. My schedule is typical today. I have a few calls regarding Playground funding and programming. I’ve been thinking more about structure as for the last 6 months I was getting through each day by being task oriented in order to do my job efficiently and neglected my own emotions in the process. September is always a recharge month for me and I think it is suggesting, rather, forcing me to realign.
Did I just say all that in one breath? Talk about efficiency, haha.
SA
I mean, happy Virgo season birthday girl!! When did you begin to notice that the structure you created for your organizing did not allow space for your own self? How has the transition been as you’ve started to be more intentional with taking care of your emotional health? And what is emotional health for you?
Z
Aug 10th was the day I acknowledged an emotional sewage block. Like I couldn’t communicate. It was weird, even as I had been communicating actively through work, I had a difficult time conversing with people socially.
The transition has been taxing. I think after being in the crossfire of work and mental health declining I started to see exactly how much of myself I was sacrificing.
Emotional health is having a fluidity of emotions. The ability to process with care and tenderness as every emotion passes. Accountability and trust is a virtue of this said process.
SA
When we were speaking last night you said something about accepting the experience of depression. I think there is something very profound about that idea of being fluid and open with emotions instead of holding on and lingering. I’m really happy that you have been making time for yourself over the past month. The work that you do is incredibly transformative and also incredibly demanding of the mind, body and spirit. Playground has been so responsive to the needs of the community since the uprising and it’s been really comforting to be part of and observe how much care is being poured into the community. What have your experiences as a South Asian woman organizer been like? We talk a lot about imposter syndrome, and especially thinking about our own cultural expectations to have a more institutionalized life vs what we actually do, and then organizing in a city where we have settled and gentrified stolen land – there’s so many layers to it. What does that feel like for you?
Z
The concept of imposter syndrome is something almost everyone doing this work is feeling.
Being South Asian plays a role in how imposter syndrome develops over time because even in this global city, there aren’t many South Asians organizing with the intention to center Black lives. This is a critique of my community although there isn’t enough diversity within the South Asian network or intersection of Black folks to begin with. I have seen a lot of my peers build intention and work cohesively so that all voices are heard and acknowledged. Solidarity and resistance work can often make you feel like an imposter. Are you good enough? Do you have the discourse to verbally debate? Do you have an audience? Are people going to be receptive of your message? Being skeptical is what I am leaning towards these days. IS perpetuates self doubt and that is a boundary I have learned to protect.
Playground’s response to COVID is something our ancestors would have championed for their own communities. When times get tough, the tough gets going. Building community around you to distribute food to those food insecure. That is exactly why we do this – provide actionable solutions.
I feel like I have been on auto-pilot for the last few months. The road ahead has its peaks and valleys and challenging circumstances are just part of the process just as much as the bountiful moments are.
SA
I love what you said about Playground’s response being something our ancestors would have championed for their own. What’s more South Asian than ensuring your entire neighborhood is fed? Like, that intuition that Playground runs with is so deeply ancestral to me, which is ironic considering it is not like you yourself belong to this dense South Asian community. That’s what is so magical about pushing back on imposter syndrome, looking at the conditioning we’ve experienced and being able to hold up the parts which could’ve worked and then tweaking it to build something you know you and your community deserves.
Do you think that the skepticism we have for institutions outside of us is sometimes internalized with imposter syndrome? How important is it to work collaboratively and collectively, and how do we do that when we’re in a moment where, even amongst organizers it’s becoming clear that transformative justice and accountability isn’t centered?
Z
In my text exchange with you last night we were talking about the recent tarot reading I did with you. One of the cards set for the future intention was about collaborating. I think Playground had made exemplary collaborations to set the precedent for organizing. In a time like now, my communication has been spread thin because I feel as if I have my radar up all times. Which can be divisive when learning to trust potentially collaborators and their position in this revolution. This is sometimes a risk we take in the name of pioneering change. The revolution has to be stripped of its individualism. Working collectively is a human trait, it’s how villages are built. The same organization can create a larger space for us, thus having actual impact, hopefully legislative. Now, that is holding this country that exists on stolen land accountable.
SA
Totally, I think that it’s also important to be discerning about the intentions of potential collaborators & I completely understand needing to keep a wall up so to speak to make sure that the safety of your community comes first. In fact, I think it’s what draws so many people to Playground, it’s firm stance in centering and recentering it’s community in a way that is so uncompromising.
Z
I am burning incense in my bakhoor burner, listening to quarantine mixes, revisiting hobbies, working out, trying new recipes @ home, I’m working on a bookclub right now so I have been reading excerpts here and there to gather what book will be centralized focus, drinking my Playground community blend coffee at home, gathering with close friends to talk through days that are harder than others, motioning a playground green house right now to offer something beautiful and building my new home to create an environment to do these self care rituals and practices.
is the owner and founder of Playground Youth, a community-based organization operating out of Playground Coffee Shop in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. Playground Youth supports Bed-Stuy by ensuring a safe space to exchange art, cultural knowledge, and strategies. The organization tackles a range of community needs including literacy, food equity, and arts & culture through a range of accessible programs and events.