SA
Jasper, how are you doing this morning?
J
I’m good! I was nocturnal ever since quarantine started but I’ve gotten back to waking up early. It feels so good. How about you?
SA
My sleep pattern has also kind of been all over the place lately but this week I’ve tried to be a little more strict with myself. I’m good, a little achey and still slowly waking up but so excited to be talking to you!!! What’ve you been up to during quarantine, how have you been keeping grounded?
J
Very excited to talk to u toooo. Hmm, I’ve been really turning inward and seeing how my energy is unbalanced. Just trying to fix myself and face my demons. And just getting more comfortable with myself overall. Fixing my energy has really helped me stay grounded and feel at home in my body. I think maintaining your homeostasis when the external world is so chaotic is so crucial right now.
SA
I so agree that it’s necessary to have some sort of internal equilibrium in order to deal with the constant crises around us. When/how did you come to realize that your energy was unbalanced? Was it a particular moment or a culmination of varying things?
J
My life was going at such a crazy pace. Once I was locked down and was able to sit with myself, I was able to see how I was reacting and acting in a more subjective way. I’m a very chill person around my friends, and being in lockdown with my family was a lot and definitely showed me sides of myself I didn’t like. They were treating me like I was in high school and it made me realize I had to go back to my past and do a lot of healing on my younger self. Even though I’m a different version now, seeing how I reacted to their comments made me realize the work I had to do in order to heal my younger self. It’s really weird but it helped me a lot with my current self.
SA
Wow, I so relate and hear you. I think one thing that came up for so many of us was the need to reparent ourselves. I can’t imagine what being in quarantine with my family would be like, so big ups to you for navigating that. I want to hear more about your upbringing in terms of navigating culture and spirituality and how you understand it now. You incorporate so much of it into your art and I think it’s really beautiful to hear how you are on this journey to better yourself while rethinking cultural/spiritual values. What has that been like for you?
J
Up until like mid-elementary school, my grandparents lived with us. And they are super super religious and are devotees of Swami Sivananda. So growing up I was always playing with my grandma and she would teach me mantras and I would play in our pooja room. Every night before I would sleep she would tell me stories, the mythology of different gods and stuff from the Mahabharata. I kind of developed this fantastical idea of gods and spirituality. I would draw different gods and write my own stories, really into the idea of this other universe. My mom introduced me to spirituality very early on in my life, like pre-school. Broad topics about the universe and how energy works. On top of that, I was singing in a gospel choir and classical Hindustani music. I was really submerged in this magical bubble. But I didn’t consider and still don’t see myself as “religious,” but spiritual. I do appreciate all religions, especially the mythological side. It can be so powerful and inspiring because it makes us feel linked to these fantastical worlds. I have so much appreciation for my upbringing. I got pressured as I went through schooling to become a doctor/study harder but I was never good at school, especially math. And so my ideas of the world as this magical place started to fade as the modern education system killed my spirit lol….but I found it again as I went through really dark times in high school and college as I started creating music and coming into my art. I was brainwashed into thinking life is a constant struggle and suffering, money is all that matters etc. like NO. I was right when I was a kid. The world is this magical place with energy moving around, humans are so magical, we have magical powers, everything is so insanely beautiful.
SA
This reminds me of something I grew up around which was this notion of having faith and a spirituality that is ‘child like’, and really coming back to the purity and innocence of a radical curiosity, hunger + thirst to know both the world + yourself. So many of us get jaded and then can’t see beyond the darkness..
OK so, I want to ask you about what you and I have been sporadically chatting about in terms of sexuality and spirituality. I hit you up when I saw you posted a screenshot of a pornsite that had a Swami category… I was SOOO infatuated because for me, I’m really working through how my sexuality and spirituality are connected considering there have been many attempts to squash my sexuality through spiritual practices, thus the connection I have to my higher self has also been hindered. How did you stumble upon the Swami fetish??
J
Yes to all of this. I guess going back a bit, being born into a very religious family, I was never really seen as a “girl,” and any sexual desire or urges I had growing up under my family’s roof was way off the table in terms of discussion. I was scared to show this side of myself to my parents because I did have such strong feelings but was ashamed/embarrassed. So until college where I had freedom to live on my own I literally felt like a blob of nothingness LOL. As I lost touch with my younger child, I lost touch with what it meant to be spiritual. The moment I had my sexual awakening, I had this spiritual rebirth as well. That was a pivotal moment where I was able to connect back with my younger child and start this new journey of rebuilding and spiritual growth. Once I experienced my sexual power, I was like wtf this is so magical…how are humans able to do this. When you orgasm and feel sexual, it’s such a direct feeling of your own godly energy. Like damn….what? So for me, having that firsthand experience of this crazy power within me was like ignition to my spiritual path. The energy is so TANGIBLE, you don’t have to go looking for it. Ever since that point I’ve always really thought about spirituality and sexuality as extremely linked.
In terms of the Swami fetish, growing up in a family with a Swami being so central to notions of spirituality, I started to think how people relate to these figures. Like, my grandma LOVES swami sivananda. And ever since my grandpa passed she has really been devoting herself completely to her worship. I just became curious and started googling things… I think the line of devotion and attraction is soooo fine. I don’t think attraction has to be “sexualized.” Devotion is sincere love, love doesn’t have to be sexualized. I came to this conclusion that sexualization doesn’t have to be “sexualized.” It just is. And just looking back at hindu mythology, if you look at the story of shiva and parvati: she was born as a human and was in love with Shiva, a god, and prayed to him everyday in hopes that she would marry him. Like that’s devotion being sexualized. She literally wanted him sexually! And krishna with his gopis. He would lure them with the sound of his flute (lol) and kiss them, and some sources say even have sex with them, because they were so devoted to him. There is this weird line between devotion and attraction and desire…I feel like energy is energy. Channeling it through sexuality is just another medium. But because we have all these taboos and ideas around sexuality, it’s seen as so separate from these notions of spirituality when in reality it truly is not. There is a lot of repression involved in these dynamics. So ya…that’s where the Swami fetish came from! haha
SA
It’s so interesting to me how we come from a culture that explores sexuality so fluidly and organically and yet, now, we look at South Asian culture as one of the most sexually repressed ones. Like, I hate that when I saw the screenshot of the Swami, my mind immediately went to thinking about all the predatory stories I have heard about Swami’s instead of thinking about it as something more divinatory.. I really want to go into a deeper dive with you about all of this… but, because I am running out of time, to end, can you talk me through some things that are helping you stay grounded right now?
J
I’ve been watching wayyy much more anime than I usually do. It feels like an escape and I think it’s been helping me mentally just to live vicariously thru these characters. In particular, Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Fushugi Yugi. Anything with medieval Japan. I think I have some past life connection to that era because I resonate so strongly. I’ve been working on my next EP called Priestess, which is pretty much a culmination of a lot of spiritual work, my obsession with cosmology and my exploration into divine feminine culminating. I think honestly just following your curiosity right now is so important, like learning about new topics or new skills, just challenging yourself in new ways is so crucial to staying grounded. Bare feet on grass ! That really aligns me and makes me feel literally rooted. I started this routine at the start of the year of doing a yoga flow + meditation first thing when I wake up. It’s literally changed my life, getting my into a good headspace to start the day. Like taking time for yourself when you wake up, to feel aware and intentional before you start is so important.I think overall taking care of my body too…I was so busy before I didn’t stop to ask my body how it was feeling, like give it enough love. Thanking it for being my vessel in this weird experience. It’s corny but these things have overall made me feel more gratitude in my life overall and love for humanity and the universe. It’s the only way to stay positive and keep building! Time off social media, off Instagram. Being in the present. I know this situation has forced us to be on social media even more, but I’ve been really seeing the matrix of it all and am just TIRED of the cycles and algorithm lol…so only going on when I need to/using it for messaging. I’ve started journaling as well, it’s been helping me keep track of my life and goals, just being more active and present.